Why “Being Yourself” Is Harder Than It Sounds
The behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner once said, “Give me a child and I will shape him into anything.” By this, he meant that a young mind can be conditioned through rewards and punishments—like a lab rat who receives cheese or an electric shock based on a desired outcome. While people are not experiments, there’s truth in Skinner’s idea: our earliest relationships with caregivers often become the first system of approval and disapproval that shapes who we become.
As a therapist in New York City, I often see how these early dynamics linger into adulthood. Parents, even the most loving ones, often have strong expectations for their children. Even subtle acts of disapproval over time can lead a person to believe that self-worth depends on the approval of others. Because children rely on their caregivers for safety and connection, we learn to emphasize the qualities that earn us acceptance and hide the parts that don’t. Over time, this pattern can become so ingrained that our very sense of identity becomes the product of other people’s judgements.
So, when someone says, “Just be yourself,” they might not realize how tall an order that really is. It is possible that you have gone through life without ever knowing who you are at your core – that the narrative forced onto you by others has become so internalized that you believe it to be your own. When this pattern takes hold, we can lose touch with what feels genuine, and our sense of self begins to feel fragmented or inauthentic. The paradoxical theory of change suggests that genuine transformation doesn’t come from trying to become someone different, but from accepting yourself as you truly are. In other words, change begins when you stop striving to be what others expect and begin to make space for what’s already there.
Therapy offers a rare kind of relationship – one built on nonjudgment, curiosity, and the freedom to explore all parts of yourself. Unlike even the most caring friends or family, a therapist doesn’t need you to be any particular version of yourself. In that space of acceptance, you can begin to see yourself more clearly. And sometimes, that’s where real change can finally begin.
Through this process, you can begin to:
Recognize the beliefs and behaviors that were once adaptive but now limit you.
Develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
Reconnect with values and desires that feel authentic and alive, rather than performative.
If you struggle with perfectionism, people-pleasing, anxiety, or identity confusion, psychotherapy can help you rediscover what’s real beneath the conditioning. Healing often begins by seeing ourselves clearly and by learning that we are worthy of acceptance, just as we are. Contact us to learn more about in-person therapy in Midtown NYC or virtual therapy throughout New York State
