Perfectionism, Wholeness, and Hope
We’ve all felt it: the quiet, persistent voice that tells us we’re not enough. In a world of curated images, polished social media feeds, and promises that we can fix what’s “wrong” with us, it’s easy to get caught up in the chase of an impossible ideal of perfection. And when life inevitably reminds us that we fallible, vulnerable, and sometimes in pain, a pursuit of perfection can leave us feeling hollow, frustrated, and isolated.
But what if there were another way? What if we shifted our aim from perfection to something attainable, something profoundly human: a sense of wholeness?
Wholeness Includes Our Wounds
In a 2020 episode of OnBeing with Krista Tippett, Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, a physician and author who has lived with Crohn’s disease for decades, offers a perspective that transforms how we think about our struggles. She suggests that wholeness does not demand that we hide our pain or imperfection as marks of shame. On the contrary, our wounds are part of what makes us fully human and part of what enables us to connect with others.
Remen reflects, “It’s our very wounds that enable us to make a difference”. Our challenges, whether they are chronic illnesses, personal losses, or deep disappointments, can teach us compassion, resilience, and insight. They give us the ability to recognize and support the struggles of those around us.
Loss as a Teacher
Being alive inevitably brings with it elements of loss, disappointment, and unmet expectations. Many of us respond by trying to protect ourselves by numbing, avoiding, or striving for control. But, as Remen points out, “The way we protect ourselves from loss may be the way in which we distance ourselves from life”.
Instead, learning to face losses —small and large —opens the door to presence. We can honor our grief, acknowledge our limitations, and still participate fully in life. Loss is not the end of the story; it is a stage in the journey of growth. By leaning into these moments, we discover reserves of strength we may not have known we possessed.
Stories as Companions
Stories are one of the most powerful ways we make sense of our lives. Remen observes, “The world is made up of stories; it’s not made up of facts”. Facts tell us what happened. Stories explain what it means to us, how they shape us, and how they connect us to others.
By attending to the stories we tell ourselves about our struggles, our losses, and our imperfections, we can find meaning and even hope in experiences that might otherwise feel overwhelming. Stories remind us that we are not alone and that we are part of a larger thread of the human journey.
Embracing Imperfection
Perfectionism is seductive because it promises control in an uncertain world. Yet, as Remen notes, it is a kind of "booby prize”. It isolates us from ourselves and others, masking our true capacity to connect, to care, and to grow.
Wholeness, in contrast, is attainable. It asks us to embrace the full diversity of our experience, wounds, imperfections, and all. It invites us to see that our struggles, our vulnerabilities, and even our mistakes can be sources of insight and connection. When we allow ourselves to be fully human with all of our imperfections, we cultivate a kind of grounded presence and compassion that a rigid pursuit of perfection hardens us against.
Moving Toward Wholeness
When we find ourselves caught in the paralyzing grip of perfectionism, there is hope in wholeness. Wholeness is not about erasing flaws; it is about acknowledging them, learning from them, and integrating them into the story of your life. It is about connecting with yourself and others in ways that matter.
If you would like guidance on learning to accept imperfection, cope with self-critical thoughts, and move toward a sense of wholeness, feel free to contact us to schedule a free consultation with one of our clinicians to see how we can support you in cultivating self-compassion, authentic connection, and hope.
