Everywhere we look, it seems like we are bombarded with platitudinous messages such as “good vibes only”, “just stay positive”, or “happiness is a choice.” If seeing another glib post saying “look on the bright side” or “everything happens for a reason” is making your eyes water and blood boil, know that your reaction is normal. One study showed that participants who were asked to suppress negative emotions regarding an upsetting event experienced more negative emotions compared to those who were not receiving any instructions to control their emotions (Dalgleish et al., 2009). Toxic positivity, the idea that one should always maintain a positive mindset even in the face of difficult situations, can be invalidating, alienating, and detrimental to our well-being.
Toxic positivity should be distinguished from optimism. Optimism gives us the belief that there is a chance of a positive outcome to our situation. When we lack optimism, we might also lack the motivation to try new things, especially those that may not guarantee success. However, too much optimism can cause us to overestimate our own abilities, risking embarrassment or even harm. Toxic positivity is also not the antithesis of pessimism. Pessimism is the tendency to anticipate a negative outcome of a situation. A little bit of pessimism can protect us from risks that are too costly, painful or even dangerous to undertake. At the same time, too much pessimism can be debilitating, as we envision only negative outcomes, which decreases our motivation to take action in the first place. Being overly pessimistic can lead to stagnation.
We are often asked to choose whether the glass is half empty or half full. The reality is that most of us are both optimistic and pessimistic to different degrees depending on the situation, and both optimism and pessimism bring both benefits and disadvantages. Toxic positivity does away with these nuances, which is another reason why these messages fall flat. Asked to look on the bright side when there is no perceivable bright side, we are forced to brush away our true feelings and respond inauthentically. This cognitive dissonance makes us feel even worse than if we were to share what is really bothering us. Keeping up the illusion is exhausting.
Luckily, there’s always hope. Actually, in therapy, the true antidote to the inauthenticity of toxic positivity IS hope. The Czech playwright Václav Havel shares in Disturbing the Peace (1986) that hope is “not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” The reorientation towards hope frees us from fixating on positive or negative outcomes and allows us to focus on making sense of both delightful and painful events in our lives. Hope as a therapeutic foundation allows us to retell these narratives authentically and free from expectations and the pressure to only “think happy thoughts”. Hopefully, in therapy, we are met not with toxic positivity, but with the hope that our lives are worth living, no matter what we have experienced and where our path may take us next.
Works cited:
Dalgleish, T., Yiend, J., Schweizer, S., & Dunn, B. D. (2009). Ironic effects of emotion suppression when recounting distressing memories. Emotion, 9(5), 744.
Havel, V. (1990). Disturbing the peace: A conversation with Karel Hvížďala. (P. Wilson, Trans.). Vintage Books. (Original work published 1986)